WOW i have neglected this blog. I can't believe its been over a year.
I never open up on my blog or any other social site about how things are going, not in detail anyway. Those site it seems are for showing the best versions of your life and I'm not one to want the attention and prying eyes but the last few nights i have been kept up with a running "blog post" if you will of how I'm feeling right how. So i made myself sit down and write it before i talked myself out of it.
Right now I'm sitting in a quite house as my boys sleep and Hadley's off at school. Most days even the few hours Haddy is gone aren't quite but today is. It must be for my sanity that the Lord made the boys sleep. Heaven knows i could use a break from our life right now!
Moving to Boise was a decision that i stood by and was excited for.I thought it would help our family grow together and give Ben some perspective on things... Well its not gone the way i thought it would, there has been good and bad, things i knew would happen and things i had no clue could happen, but through it all i have learned a lot. This move was for me and me alone. It was to show me the things/people i need and want in my life. It has given me back some of my voice that i have lost over the last few years and helped me to see that its OK for me to not give in. To stand up for myself and the things i need, want, feel, and the things i don't. It has been hard. Watching my kids struggle to understand why we moved away from there family and friends and trying to help them build a life here when i don't know how long its for has not been easy and i hope it continues to get easier.
For the last 2 months Ben has been down on the floor with his back again and so we head in yet again for another MRI and most likely another surgery. People think that after 2 i should be a pro at handling that which is life when this happens but every time is harder and harder. This time around we live by no family. So i can't just send the kids off to grandma and grandpas or aunts and uncles so i can get rest, clean the house, run some errands, or go to Dr. things with Ben. this time we have a new little man in the family that like his brother doesn't get the love/attention from his dad that he needs, wants, and deserves because his dad cant hold him or walk with him. This time i dont' have an outlet to just go and do and forget for a few hours a week . Life sucks! I have taken on all responsibilities at home with no help and it couldn't be more overwhelming.
I put a smile on my face and tell people its fine and that this is just how it goes when this happens but truth is I'm not fine. Its not OK. and I'm terrified of whats coming
This move and all the things that have happened since this move have given ,me perspective on where i am, where i want to be, and how i want to be. I love my family and grateful for my kids and the little spirits they have. I know they were sent to us when they were for a reason and i try to remember that everyday as the scream and fight with each other and get mad when things aren't going our way....
I pray that SOON we will know where were headed and be able to do it as one healthy family
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